dear: me

look

www.iamkatiegreen.com
on there...you can link to my wordpress blog. (same name was available, so i snatched it...figuring it was a sign from above.. "Somebodylikeyou")

but i am not gone from lj.
i still love you....and i have been faithful for SO long, how could i possibly walk out on thee now?

i am feeling like quite the crazy.
ahem, yes, ahem, yup. ahem ahem.

ME: hey so u wanna check out my photographic website and tell me what you think. i need opinions before i ruin my self esteem by telling the world.
HER: okay. write it down for me, i'll look at it.
ME: ok. i couldnt get katiegreen.com because Katie Green is a famous plus size topless wonderbra model from the UK.  but i got the next best available thing in my opinion. ( i hand her the paper).
HER: oh yeah. cool, thanks katie, i'll give it a look!
ME: :::in silly voice, poking sarcastic fun at myself::  Heck ya you will! because i'll show her i am a better Katie Green than she is!! muahahhaha way more talent over this way than 'Miss Topless Model'.. blah blah...:::enter silly mindless babble here:::


ONE WEEK LATER----
I find out that another girl ive recently met, whow as standing nearby was somewhat listening to us,.. and evidently this gal thought i said from the start "hey check out my PORNOGRAPHIC WEBSITE. ahah!! omg, and then i babbled on about topless models just by coincidence not even knowing what this girl(stephanie) had overheard! for a whole week apparently this girl thought i was a porn star until luckily it got cleared up. ohhh myyyy goshhhh.

hilarious. and so disturbing!
i dont know WHY i used the word photograohic to begin with, instead of just saying photography or something like that. who says photographic anyways? oy vey. OY VEY.

kt sits in the isle at borders.
looks straight ahead of her at the books on the shelf...
"hmm, interesting..."


( i photographed the shelf.. )
because about every book staring at me in the face was meant for my life.
it chuckled.
i guess i found my new sitting place.
bring it ON LIFE!

room 573.
st jude medical center fullerton ca.
my home since saturday.
im supposedly going to get to leave tonight.... but that's what they said on monday as well. and now its 24 hrs later.
its gloomy out my window and i LOVE it.
my view this time around is of the parking lot, bastanchury and the CVS. oo la la... i know, very cool!!!!!

Erin and Jon Mann are PARENTS!!
and i was stuck in this hellhole so close yet so far from them! she was in room # 519 maternity and i am #573 medical. :( sad!
i thought about me and IV just going for a little walk to the maternity building.. i mean hey, its not like im leaving the hospital grounds. walks are allowed right?? i can just see myself doing something retarded... considering im on a zillion meds... so one lap around my floor i decided it was a terrible idea to try and walk that far.

since ive been here i have been on Morphine, Toradol, and Norco.
Apparently Cindy my dietician, and my dad visited me yesterday and i had no clue. until i was told about it today.
what? having conversations and not remembering them at all? its like being drunk.... only not.

i want to go home. hopefully tonight.
i guess i will just keep watching SVU. always a good thing for Katie Green.

happy birthyday little brotha Riley. 19 yrs old. love YOU!

my eyes, my head and my medical state of being, state of health, have not been so awesome this week. i have hardly opened up my mac baby and i have hardly.... basically... done..well, not too much. and the 'not to much' of which i have done, is 105% exhausting and feels like too much.
The migraines i mentioned last week......STILL there.
its not worth writing about. neither do i have the time.
but if you dont struggle with migraines than yuo hvae NO idea.
A migraine is not a headache. it is an entire body paralyzing dissabling disease with pain that your little caffeine headache cannot even fathom.
The Aura. The terrifying visual disturbances - neverming, omg. i cant write about this, because i feeltoo sick and too scared.

its just awful. and i would really like today to be the first day for a long while where i do not get pain.

thankyou.
however, i AM going to therapy today....actually, right now.

sometimes, i just want to scream. i want to complain. i just wan to GET IT OUT.
its not because i think my life is all crap...but i just feel trapped inside my head with the icky thoughts, and feelings.
and trapped within the physical pain as well, not wanting to complain or mention anything because i sound whiny or annoying, or most often- dismissed without even being heard.

there is always something to be grateful for.

i am one lucky beyond lucky, ridiculously blessed human.

.."and dont you be forgetting that Katie Green."

i have had migraines ALL week. every single day. it started slow but sure on monday.. i was working for dad. my head was killer. i thought it was potassium. i took extra K, and then excedrin migraine. Tuesday was  worse.. wednesday was even worse.. plus wednesday was the first aura ive had since i think last christmas time. WTF. September 30th, 2009. 9 mos. Thursday October 1, thought i was dying, i was screaming in pain on the floor in the darkest room of the house... tyler and rys ex bedroom... mom helped me to the car to go to the doctor. i dont even remmebr this. i went psychotic apparently...i wore in only one shoe to the docs, and mom says i was talking in words that werent words.. and repeating everything i said a bunch of times. all i remember is the nausea from the noise, LIGHT, smells and car-motions. sensitivity to touch. UGH.
it's the 3rd of oct. still feeling like SHIT. feeling more hopeless.

reaslly missing my OA saturday meeting.
really missing therapy..
really missing the small life that i was beginning to have.

which is back to what i was saying at first:::::: sometimes i really want to complain, but come on KATIE,  i have SO much to be grateful for. :)

...but this is my DOWNFALL.

it is late.

my nerves will not settle.

i joined OA.
did i already say that in here?

i really like it. i go to meetings all the time. like 4 per week.
it is saving my sanity right now.
i went to one tonight.
the whole mtg was lit by just little xmas lights and candles.
it was really neat.
i never thought that i would fit in at overeaters anonymous.
but anorexia-bulimia-compulsive overeating/binge eater = eating disorders all the same.
We're using food to cope, using food compulsively not based on hunger, satiety or health....etc. (this list goes on & on, but those are 2 main pts.)

anyhow- im glad i joined. and i am happy to be mostly past the part where i feel intimidated to walk into a new meeting.

other things i like:
1. my digi photo adult ed class
2. my new macbook pro
3. the smell of my car ac
4. yogurt d-lite plain tart + cake batter + banana w/ sprinkles and cheesecake bites
5. my neighborhood & neighbors
6. decaf americanos
7. airconditioning
8. laughing w/ janelley

things i do not like:
1. this weather
2. this weather
3. the heat
4. my bedroom carpet
5. my bedroom in general
6. headaches and body pains
7. emotional ickyness, pain and crying in public
8. missing you. desperately.

i hide behind the lens of my camera.
is this why i like photography?
No, no it is not.

Family meal at Aunt Bons tonight.
AUnt Penny and Uncle Denny are down here from Salem once again.
i love seeing them, but this time around it is under the most unfortunate circumstances of a funeral for Dennys brother.
i have a difficult time communicating myself moreso on some occasions compared to others. i have yet to find a pattern
in this behavior.

oh yeah, and we played BOGGLE tonight... since when was wonkey or tonkey NOT a word? psshhhh we are country music peeps, come on fam!

i appear to be okay. [i think]
i just want to be loved. deep down, really that's all.
i hate being yelled at.
i beyond hate being yelled at. It turns me off, turns me into rude mode, and turns my mind to never be able to speak to you the same again.
Up goes the wall.
i hate the awkward unsettling feelings of fear, sadness, and despair.
i miss Jane.
i miss her so much.
"i miss her so much" is a horribly insufficient way to even state this feeling.
i believe there are no words to  describe how much it hurts.
i hardly even know how or what to tell L, in regards to this. It hurts, i cry, everday. the end. fuck.
it seems as if i will never stop crying about it. For instance: right now, this bliurry screen. :( ugh.
i miss her and want to talk to her more than anything or anyone else.
i do not understand.

life is good and i am blessed.......but i hurt.
a lot.

i miss Jane. MY jane.
oh mt goodenessss i miss you so much.
i cry. i cryyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
i cant stand not having you in my life. IT HURTS. all the time.

Somebody whom i know and love has recently told me to "STOP THINKING KATIE!!" I must say, quite uncanny advice seeing as i just named this section of my site "thoughts". . . and this was only moments before that conversion took place. Life is funny. I laugh. I cry. I numb out. i forget. i forget to forget what i should forget. I have absolutely no idea who i am..[...maybe due to the fact that i forgot?] I know everything there is to know and i am the greatest human being alive at this moment. Nothing i say should be taken lightly. Everything i say is a pile of p o o. I hate the hate.  I half ass the job until:

1. i either completely give up due to lack of strength and self esteem

or

2. completely re-start in order to soothe my perfectionistic side.

A process to repeat . . . . repeat . . . . repeat.

hellO?

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

 i am sick and tired of my family. tired of living here. sick of talking to them. tired of pretending to listen and look happy or entertained.
sick of hearing their guilt trips. Tired of myself for still needing them. Sick of myself for still relying heavily on financial support. I am tired of having feelings and thoughts. can my brain turn off please? can i freeze myself and wake up in 5 yrs? that would be rad. I think i saw a csi episode once about that concept. gosh, i am truly on my last straw here. THE LAST ONE.

ive had a ridiculously, terribly, sucky, hard, hard, and over-the-top emotionally crazy past few weeks.
i miss Jane so much. already, i miss her sooo much. it hurts so bad for how much i miss her. :(
she knows me better than anyone else on earth. seriously.


Thus far, i do not like being 25 yrs old.
1. first bday ever, that actually SOUNDS old.
2. i have nothing ot show for my twentyfrickinfive years.
3.i live @ home.
4.i have no college degree.
5. i have no job.
6. i am still not allowed to get a job.
7. which means i am still "disabled".
8. i have little to no energy.
9. i have little to no motivation to be with people.
10. i am a grown up child. Just a big, tall, 25 yr old little girl with a broken body, a period, acne scars and a driver license.

when my mother was 25 she already had both ME and TYLER.
weird.


i am super duper in love with law and order. Since forever and always.

Worst week ever.
Or... close to it.

edit: "ONE OF" the worst weeks everrrr.


i hurt so bad.
this cannot happen.
it just cant.
nope.

dude, i am twenty five.
25?
t w e n t y  f i v e.
August 2, 1984 - Greatness arrived at St Jude Fullerton Medical Center.
Days of Birth.
i never celebrate and i am 150% fine with that.
its always so awkward for me its more pain than any kind of pleasure.
the last party i had was the surprise one crystal, mel, sarah, krysta, threw for me at canyon lake when i turned 17. that was actually super fun.
and before that, it was my 13th, another surprise thrown by my parents, on the boat in newport. that was pretty fun too. Jeanette, Lani, Dana, Megs, Jana, Lindsey, Lori... wow, 13 was a long time ago.


18.....21.....no biggie. i remember jeanette and sarah schock had a surprise dinner for me and jana harwell when i turned 19. (jana and i have the same bday. ;)

But today, this one, holy moly. i really feel older. It is not as if i drastically changed over night, so i suppose i do not "feel" older, but it SOUNDS older. it seems like i should have 3 college degrees, lived on all 7 continents, a child and a husband, and a pack of dogs by now in this world that i grew up in. i guess i am stil waiting for a date. muahah.
i  clamped my left ear in my hair straightner this morning.. that wasnt the most awesome thing that could have happened. its been HOURs and its still burning!! owwwch. It would totally have been more awesome if there was a mac pro sitting on my bed, or plane ticks to egypt, orrrrr santa was standing over my bed with fireworks. sweeeeeeT!
No, in all reality, im totally having a  good day. i feel content and i feel hopeful.
Lets face it:: two years ago was the day i passed out in the Michigan mall with the gross's. woke up in a wheelchair. Last year, i dont even remember... i think i was with my family.
this year - well, im going out with mom. Then craig and christina are getting married. yesterday i told Erin i would meet her there. Now today, i dunno, i dont even know if im going to go. Ive known craig, uh, my whole life. so therefore i should.

i am not exactly sure of my reason for writing this entry. when i reflect, in makes me excited to write a book about my life. Ive got some really good ideas. i am in looooove with photography. i know i dont post pics on here. but honestly, man, i am stoked. i feel like life is kinda moving forward in that aspect.
im making my site right now. i have a domain. iamkatiegreen.com. i bought 2 others as well, but ive decided thats the one im going to use. ;-) Katie green, kt green, k green, green & katie are way too popular. it was so hard to get a website domain. especially becasue it seems everyone in the world is on this "green" going green business. it makes it a bit difficult. its my last name dangit!!! and katie green is some wonderbra model in the UK. haha. yeah, thats sooo me.


rambles. i'll be back later.

"We have no relationship right now. this is not a relationship."

so i believe i wrote last week about how things were going pretty swell in a particular area.. ahem, mmmhm.
.. um, so this week, well not so much.

i am a tiny bit horrified.
of myself and of this current predicament.

i am kind of, well, i am a lonely person lately.
BUt yet i feel incapable of being with others.
my anxiety is extremely high, and kicked up a notch than it has been in some time.


tyler is leaving
everytime i go to the lake and then come home, there is a sense of fast paced thinking, out of control thoughts, self harm urges and
- but ya, know what i never feel safe in relationships. never feel secure. secure attachment.
why does a person become a black/white thinker?
- how do i get so numb?
i want to get numb again, im gettting un-numb and back to numb instantly currently.

i feel depressed.
i think i may have done too much today. i feel sck right now, and my entire body is aching.
i ate lasagna that was leftover, and i dont think it likes me very much.
or maybe this is all woman stuff + headache related, if ya know what i mean.



im having a reallly hard time understanding and coping with this Jane situation.
its on my mind so much now. but i just dont understand. it makes no sense, and my insides hurt. writhe. and i miss her and what our relationship used to be.
dude, get over it katie its never over unless you make it be over. and i know that. therefore i know its never over. but why??? its not her, its that other lady controlling things. nameless "other lady".

UGH.

here's to tomorrow:: may you be a better day.
amen.

here i sit.
In aliso viejo.
its 98 according to my car thermometer.
it is about -3 inside this coffeehouse.
i feel unsettled about wanting to run out to my car and get a jacket.
i mean, its 98 degrees out there, come on folks.
i also feel unsettled that people (aka old men, teenagers who wear black, have lots of piercings and who think they are tough) sit outside on days like this, drink hot drinks, and SMOKE cigarettes with fowl mouths. that is so disgusting so soSOOO disgusting to me. No wonder they are all grumpy and meaniepants.

My life is all over hte place.
I love Lisa. And Laurie, i love you. i am stoked for Friday! i miss you so much! :(
But i've been having really good times with Lisa lately. the last three sesh's, on saturday monday and today(wed) have been great. i feel connected again. finally, once again. But i also feel absolutely insane. manic. Crazy crap with food. with sleep. with emotions and WORST of all-- yelling at all kinds of people. And its always either strangers or the people whom i love the most, that become the people whom i yell at. Tyler, Mel, Mom, Connor, Dad, Jane, Lisa, neighbors neighborkids, inanimate objects....such as my mac and the color of the paint on my neighbors home. I am sorry, but it is just so effin ugly it makes me pissed. It's uhm, not even a color. it looks like poo combined with cement, combined with pencil led or something. so sick.

I miss jane so much. shes part of that group up there with the priveldged who ive been "yelling at" .
i slammed the door hysterically, and yelled at her last night as i left the office. wtf, is my problem.
it is as if i act in the opposite way of how i feel. i wanted to give her a hug and sit and talk forever, but instead i storm out and slam the door while yelling at her. Then cried all night long. while driving home, sitting in the parking lot, taking a shower, while laying in bed. im non stop tears. i hate myself for that. Not for the tears, but for the mean-side of me that comes out when its really the last thing that i feel. or when im lonely, but all i do is isolate myself more and more.  i miss Jane so much and its not fair that i get banned from giving her a hug. COME ON. a HUG? it means something to me, so why cant i just hug her? do i have cooties? is it creepy? eff it man. its hurts my heart. This is pathetic. Listen to me, i sound so pathetic. Yet i am totally serious. It hurts so bad inside.

i have to talk to her tonight, and im so stinkin nervous i have no idea how to do it.
oh, and btw, my brothers are moving out. uhm, tyler moves to dc next week.
im stuck at home. still. just me. connor and mom and dad. eff that.
and not to mention that i turn 25 in basically a week. 25 still at home. sick. and angry.
i need help.
i need to pray.
i need to apologize.